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Dumping Your Withholds
October 30th, 2009We all know what it is like to carry around hidden tension and secret anger. This is especially true in the workplace, as many people don’t feel comfortable expressing their ‘withholds’ to coworkers and clients.
A withhold is anything which you keep from someone you work with, generally to the detriment of your own mood and creativity. Here is an example of a common withhold:
Marie and Kevin work together at a bank. During the day, Kevin routinely takes smoke breaks and skips out early without finishing his work. Marie enjoys Kevin’s company and thinks he is a nice guy, but his laziness is driving her crazy. Not only does she have often have to pick up his slack, but she also feels angry that she works twice as hard for the same paycheck. However, Marie won’t share this withhold with Kevin, and instead she becomes grumpier and grumpier by the day. Within a matter of months, Marie can’t even stand to look at Kevin, and he has no idea what he did to make Marie so angry with him.
Unfortunately, the above situation is all too familiar to most people. The more we hold in our emotions (especially anger), the stronger and more pervasive that emotion becomes. If we express our withholds in a timely and honest fashion, we can only prevent these negative feelings and ruined relationships, but we can prevent the need for gossip and create an office of healthy communication. Here is an example of some common withholds and how you express them to your coworkers:
Your coworker continually makes “jokes” at your expense, even in front of clients.
Say: “I understand that you think you are being funny, but I take offense to some of the things you say. I feel like I am always the butt of your jokes. Can you be more sensitive in the future?
Your coworker doesn’t pull his share of the workload.
Say: “I know you have a lot going on in your personal life right now, but I would like to spend time with family and friends as well, and I feel like I am always making up for the work you don’t finish. Can we split up our work more equally so that we can each be productive teamplayers.
Your coworker gossips behind your back.
Say: “I have been hearing rumors about different things which have been said about me. I know rumors are often exaggerated, and that’s why I wanted to come speak with you directly about what is going on.
By dumping your withholds and going straight to the source of your anger, you can move your emotions and get back to work with a more creative and peaceful mindset.
You Spot It, You Got It!
October 14th, 2009Judgmental thinking is always the result of something negative that you’re feeling within yourself. You’re jealous of a coworker who keeps landing big accounts, and the CEO loves every pitch they write. And you say snidely to your coworkers, “Everyone just loves her because she’s constantly sucking up to the boss. She’s not really that talented.”
Could it be, perhaps, that you’re jealous because you’re also overcompensating and putting in an exacerbated effort, yet you’re just not achieving the same results? Once you pinpoint the root of those negative feelings, you realize that you’re actually quite like that coworker that “drives you so crazy.” You’re just upset because you aren’t feeling as good about what you’re doing.
It’s the concept of “you spot it, you got it.” We spot and dislike things in other people that we actually possess ourselves. But when you spot it in someone else, it’s a lot easier to point out what an awful person they are, rather than admitting that you, too, possess those very same qualities. It’s an easy trap to slip into, as judgment is a commonly used tool that people use to make themselves feel better.
The trick to not letting those negative judgments overcome you is recognizing when you spot, or judge, something in someone else that is actually reminiscent of something you don’t like about yourself. Not only does going through this mental process encourage you to become more authentic with yourself about the things within you that make you unhappy, but it also saves you from unfairly judging and developing resentment towards a coworker or friend who actually doesn’t deserve it.
Complete with Me
October 5th, 2009The end goal of authentic communication is completion. Authentic communication should be used to end issues, stop the cycle of drama, and to make your office a happy and healthy place to work. After an issue or argument arises, authentic communication should be used to “complete” the conflict. When someone “completes” with a co-worker, they are sharing their issues in an open and honest manner with the intention of ending the problem as soon as possible.
Completion is a two-way street. It cannot be effective unless both parties agree to address the argument and share all of their true feelings about the subject. Completion should also extend to relationships with your clients as well. Employees are unable to do their best work for clients and customers if they are withholding secret issues from them. Whether the issues are time-management, bill payment, or client behaviors, complete with your clients regarding your concerns. Once you have cleared the air with the people you are working hard for, you will be more driven and more passionate about the work in which you are engaging.
Getting Unstuck
September 29th, 2009The problem with negative emotions is that they can often be very difficult to shake. To put it simply, we get “stuck” in our emotions and our mental scripts. How do you quit being stuck and move on to a happier, healthier workplace?
A great way to “get un-stuck” is to get together as a team and decide what personas are in the room. Who has a “Super-Stressed” persona? Who has a “Passive-Aggressive” persona? Write down the personas and act them out. Be exaggerated and have fun with it. The “Control-Freak” persona might rant and rave at an imaginary co-worker. The “Super-Stressed” persona might run around the room pulling at their hair.
Don’t just limit your persona-play to one day of team-building. Allow yourself to let loose and encourage persona play at the office everyday. Ask your co-workers to point out to you when you are in persona, and then really act it out to the extreme. Once you get it out of your system, you won’t need to be that persona anymore! You might still get stressed or act controlling now and then, but once you start slipping into that over-the-top persona, you can catch yourself and regain control.
The Role of Manifestation in the Workplace
September 23rd, 2009Can you manifest your way to success?
Manifesting is a philosophy in which it is believed that positive thoughts can lead to positive occurrences. Many people think that manifesting does not have a role in the workplace. Indeed, some people assume that “manifesting” is nothing more than laziness—after all, sitting around and thinking about what you want all day isn’t going to get the hard work done!
However, that’s not what manifesting is all about. Manifesting is just another word for positive thinking, and that is something that every office needs if they are to be successful.
This doesn’t mean that just because you believe you’re going to land a big client that you will automatically succeed, but it is a necessary part of pushing you towards that goal. When you think positively and set goals for what you do want (rather than obsessing about what you don’t want or all of the things that could go wrong), you are more likely to succeed in your endeavors.
Think of it this way: how often do you work to accomplish something that you don’t really believe is possible? Probably not very often, because you would assume that was a waste of your time and energy. However, if you approach your responsibilities with the mindframe of “I can achieve this, this is possible,” then you will be that much more motivated to accomplish the goals before you.
Not to mention, your state of mind while working towards these goals will be much more peaceful and hence creative. When you let go of the “what ifs” and start thinking “why not”, you and your career will receive a boost.
What Are You Denying?
September 15th, 2009Have you ever been accused of something that you thought was unjustified? Have you ever been reprimanded at work and found yourself feeling incredibly hurt and personally attacked?
When something sets us off such a strong reaction within us, it’s a good idea to examine why and where our intense emotional reaction is coming from. Indeed, things that speak loudly to us generally have a deeper meaning, whether we’re ready to admit that or not.
In fact, a good mantra to remember is “Our loudest denials are often true.” When we aren’t brave enough or open enough to accept or admit certain truths, we tend to go into a downward spiral of denying.
Yes, there is truth in your denials. To test for the truth in your denials, ask yourself these three questions:
• Is the denial is true?
• Are you 100% sure that the denial is true? (Be open to any and all possible contradictions…even the most minute.)
• Is it possible that the opposite is true?
For example, if your denial is that “I didn’t deserve to get reprimanded for being a poor team player,” ask yourself, “Am I really a team player?” Are you really giving your all to your group projects at work, or do you tend to sit back and coast on other people’s hard work? Remember to look for small examples of your behavior that might suggest otherwise. You might have helped with the leg work, but did you stay late and work on the Power Point Presentation? Is it possible that you have in fact exhibited behavior of someone who is not a team player?
If any of these questions cause you any doubt as to whether or not your denial is true, then you know that there is some truth in it—which means there is something in your behavior which you need to fix. Perhaps this is the reason people have such strong denials in the workplace. Admitting the truth would require them to change their behavior, fix their negative attitude, and perhaps even change the way they think about the workplace as a whole. However, without change, improvement and progress can never occur—which means promotions, raises, etc. cannot occur either!
So, ask yourself, what are you denying right now? What feedback are you resisting from your boss or those around you? Delve deeper and discover if there is truth in these denials, and then work on improving what needs to be improved.
How to Begin Manifesting
September 8th, 2009Much like other frustrating admonishments such as “Calm down” or “Relax,” “Think positive!” is often easier said than done. Living a positive life is something which has to be learned.
One good way to start making positive thinking a regular part of your routine is to work towards goals that you are excited about and that make you happy. Manifesting requires an excitement for what you’re doing. Although work days have their boring, sluggish moments, it’s important to always have a manifestation going for what you’d like to accomplish. At times, we all get stuck in ruts, but how much easier would it be to get “un-stuck” if you always had a positive manifestation that you were working towards? It’s like a never-ending light at the end of the tunnel which keeps you motivated and positive.
For instance, if you work in a service industry and you want to land your favorite sports team, you will be more likely to come across as passionate and involved if you devote your sales efforts to a client who you don’t really enjoy. When you try to land clients that you love and you already feel passionately about, that positive energy and excitement will come across to the client as optimism and enthusiasm. This is all part of working towards what you want and making a commitment of joy and aliveness to yourself.
When your work is joyous and full of meaning, everything that you touch will manifest that positive energy and aliveness. When you trust that the universe is full of possibilities, you will never settle for anything less than brilliance, and your work will show the results that you never before thought possible.
Manifestation is important on a managerial level as well. Managers must create systems that help employees discover their full potential, rather than systems that allow employees to take no responsibility and hence no initiative. Remember, don’t manage against mistakes, manage for potential. The amount of psychic energy you put in will be the same, but the output will be vastly different. When you believe that team is full of talent and creativity, your confidence will inspire them to do their very best, and simply by believing it—you will have created the talented, creative office you desired!
Getting out of Persona
August 31st, 2009All day long, most of us are playing some kind of a part—in other words, some kind of persona. For instance, some people have a “People-Pleaser” persona in which they feel driven to make the people around them happy. Others have a “Control-Freak” persona in which they feel a need to be in control of everything around them. No matter how different personas are, most of them are driven by the same thing—a need for love and acceptance. At the end of the day, that is all most of us really want…whether we realize it or not!
Three of the most common personas in the office are: Victim, Villain, and Hero. A Victim is submissive, sensitive and helpless. They deal with life’s struggles by not dealing. They simply let life buffet them to-and-fro in the office. A Villain is aggressive, confrontational, demeaning, and quick to judge. A Hero is enabling, nosy, and quick to lend a sympathetic ear. They rely on the Victim to continue being a Victim—so that they can feel powerful and important when they are “heroic” and listen to the Victim’s issues.
These personas only offer people temporary relief. For a few moments, the Hero feels strong and confident as she “heroes” the office Victim and caters to her feelings. The Victim also feels temporary relief as she has someone caring for her. The Villain feels temporary relief as well, as she feels the adrenaline rush that comes from expressing anger. However, at the end of the day, none of the issues have been resolved and no one walks away feeling elated or happy about their day.
All of these personas are detrimental to office well-being, so sourcing these personas and actions can be a good first step in removing drama from the office.
“Don’t Criticize Me!”
August 27th, 2009The Right Way to Give & Receive Negative Feedback
Negative feedback has an important role inside and outside the office. Without it, we would never be able to grow or improve as individuals or as employees. However, most of us aren’t very comfortable with giving or receiving negative feedback.
When giving negative feedback…
• Make sure your feedback is useful. Make sure you are giving your colleague clear direction as to what you need from her and what you feel is lacking in her performance. For example, telling her that you would like more assistance on a particular project is useful—telling her that she is lazy isn’t useful.
• Stick to the truth. Source an emotion, thought, or story about how you are feeling. For example, instead of, “You don’t seem to care about this job or this company at all. You can’t even make it into work on time,” try saying, “When you are late to work, I feel angry and it makes me think you don’t value my time.”
• Own your 100%. Accept your role in the situation and realize that there is blame enough to go around. Yes, your employee might have made spelling errors on a big project, but maybe it was because you didn’t give her enough time to accurately meet her deadline.
When receiving negative feedback…
• Accept it as a gift. Embrace negative feedback as an invaluable tool for self-improvement. When you resist negative feedback, it is often to ‘protect’ your own ego, but the truth is, all negative feedback is useful and important on your journey.
• Let your defenses down. Rather than arguing or rebutting negative feedback, listen openly and let it sink in. Don’t become defensive or look for excuses. Find out what is true in the negative feedback and apply that to your life in the future.
Negative feedback is important in the office
August 15th, 2009but perhaps even more so is positive feedback. Positive feedback boosts morale, workplace productivity, employee loyalty, and employee happiness.
Businesses have long tried to implement positive feedback in their offices, but they generally do so in monetary measures: Christmas bonuses, pay raises, office raffles, etc. However, positive feedback that comes in the form of words means much more than positive feedback that comes in dollars.
A good way to begin implementing positive feedback in the office is with an “appreciation bag.” Sit in a circle with your team and throw an appreciation bag—a tiny bean bag, nerf ball, whatever you choose—around the room. With each toss, share an appreciation with a co-worker. Do you appreciate your team member’s attention to detail? Her positive attitude? Her sense of humor? Whatever you appreciate, share it with them! There truly is something to appreciate in every co-worker, so share these appreciations freely and often.
Appreciations do more than boost people’s egos. It lets them know that hard work is noticed and rewarded in their office, which makes them want to continue working hard.
Even if an “appreciation bag” is not feasible in your office, you can still share your appreciations simply by being thankful and thoughtful. If someone goes out of their way to help you complete a project, thank them for their efforts, and tell them you appreciate your hard work. It won’t be long before appreciations become a common part of your office routine!